Boundaries.

Boundaries are important and will actually improve your relationships, not just with others, but with yourself as well!

Let me tell you, I could PREACH about this. For years, I never understood boundaries and how important they really are. I looked at them as rules and I hated rules. I felt as though boundaries were restrictive, but they are the exact opposite. Once I began establishing boundaries, I realized how free I felt and how happier I'd become.

My freshman and sophomore years of college were easily the worst out of the two. While there were multiple factors contributing to this, I truly believe my lack of clear boundaries was a big one. I was always frustrated, not only with other's and their "lack of respect" (which is a pride issue), but with myself as well! I felt as though all I could do was let myself down and disappoint myself. During covid, as with MANY others, my mental health rapidly declined. My parents heard of a man online, Dr. Henry Cloud, who posted videos on how to better your mental health and your life. It was quite literally called "Boundaries". Now, while he does a much better job explaining the importance and what boundaries look like, I want to give you a brief overview of the two groups of people I set boundaries for: others and myself.

What do these boundaries typically look like though? For me it's simple. I ask that others respect me, my faith, and my sleep schedule. That last one seems wonky, but all of my friends will be the first to let you know that I go to bed at 9 because it's important to me that I get up early to head to the gym before the sun's up. If the people I keep close to me can't respect those simple boundaries, I create distance. One of the most effective ways I have set boundaries has been communicating. My friend likes to joke that he has "trained" his girlfriend and while there are so so many issues with that, he makes a valid point. We have to tell people how we like to be treated, however we cannot make them treat us this way.

Example time.

As I previously stated, I like to go to bed early so I can wake up very early. For three years, my friends would call me at whatever hour. It frustrated me but was never an issue until I started going to the gym. Senior year, I had stopped going out so when someone needed a ride or anything at all, they would call me. It didn't matter the time. A 2am phone call would make my 6am Saturday wake-up incredibly difficult. By the end of the year, everyone knew to only call if it was an emergency and someone was unwell. I had assumed that everyone knew this but then I moved and became "long distance" with many friends. I had one friends who would randomly call and one night, he called me at 10 (not too late but still late enough that I was just about asleep). The call woke me up but I didn't answer. The next morning I asked if he was okay and once I knew he was, I asked that he only call me before 9 so I could get enough sleep in before my 4:30 wake-ups. He knows that if he calls after 9, I won't pick up and he respects that!

Setting boundaries for others is scary. There is a fear that if we acknowledge that we want to be treated a different way, we will lose that relationship in our lives. I commiserated with my therapist over this for a looooong time. Then she said one thing that really stuck out to me. She said, "Do you really want to keep people in your life that can't respect the boundaries you've established?" If the people you keep close to you don't respect you enough to compromise a bit in the relationship, in my opinion, it's not a relationship worth keeping. However, there is a flip side to that as well. Sometimes, we have ridiculously high expectations of others and they can be hard to reach so it's important to realize how attainable the boundaries we make are. Asking someone to be kind to you is almost expected as a boundary. Asking that your friends never slip up and cross a boundary is unattainable. We are human and we fail. We have to provide grace because we were given so much grace. However, there's forgiving and grace-giving and then there's getting walked all over. The difference between the two is usually defined by our own personal limits.

While boundaries for others are very important, I believe boundaries with ourselves are the most important. Boundaries with ourselves is basically just another word for discipline. For example, I do not drink till drunk anymore. I don't like who I am past three beers, so I try to avoid that best I can. Again, I slip up every now and then but I have grace with myself. A boundary with yourself could also be the way you talk to yourself when you look in the mirror. Treat yourself like you would want your friends to treat you! That is the easiest way I can describe it! Boundaries are how you show yourself that you love yourself, whether that be with the people around you or yourself.