People Don't Change (Usually)

However, once someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

I am a self-proclaimed fixer. I enjoy finding people who I believe I can make better or fix. There are so many things wrong with this mindset, the first being that I believe I am the solution to someone's problem. The second is that when you believe you can truly fix someone you are thinking that YOU can change them when the truth is, only God can complete a true heart change.

It's story time.

I had a friend who started seeing this boy. From the start of it all, he was rather shady and never quite truthful (in my opnion), but he was incredibly charming and had my friend enchanted almost immediately. From surface level, he had it all. However, he also had insane manipulative skills. He knew exactly how to reel girls in and then flip in an instant. He confused her constantly and made her wonder what his intentions actually were. At the end of the year, they parted ways. I thought I'd seen the last of him. Until the middle of senior year when he'd broken up with his girlfriend and decided to go for my friend again. I tried to warn her that people don't usually change but she wanted to see the best in him which, though in the moment I disliked about her, I grew to admire. So, within a week, she was in the same position with him as just a year prior, absolutely enchanted. She kept telling me he was more mature and different this time around. I rolled my eyes. Sure enough by the end of the year, I unfortunately was right and she was left confused and beyond everything else, frustrated. He was a master at roping her in and then leaving her high and dry. My friend though, still wearing her rose colored glasses and hoping to see the best in him, fell for his manipulation about a few more times after that before she threw in the towel. Each time, he promised he'd change, and for some time, I am sure he did. Ultimately at the end of the day though, he was still the same guy she had met junior year. No amount of time or maturity was going to fix his habits. She eventually realized that and when she did, she let him go. Though it hurt her, she ultimately felt a huge weight lifted off of her shoulders.

The point of this story is that, for a time, people's habit patterns can change but that change doesn't typically stick without external help (aka God or I'll even count therapy). You can call me pessimistic, but I think that it's more realistic than anything. That was just one example in my life. I am sure that you can think of your own personal connection to the story at hand.

I believe we can all agree that letting go of a person that we thought had changed is truly the hardest part of everything. We play the what if game. What if they have changed? What if they get better? What if I leave and they get worse? It is SO incredibly easy to talk ourselves out of walking away from a situation we know will not get better. Now, when I say letting go, I don't mean cutting them fully out of your life, though sometimes that may be necessary. I simply mean taking a step back and not devoting as much time and energy into them. I have had my fair share of letting go and I have come to realize it's difficult to let that stick. I wish I could give you advice on this that I have learned makes the breaking easier, but I have nothing. The best I have is push through the pain, guilt, and sadness letting go can bring. It's cheesy to say, but it does get easier with time. I wouldn't say the pain hurts less (not encouraging I know), but we do learn to live with it. It becomes normal and once more, our joy overshadows the hurt. The space they left empty becomes filled yet again.

We teach people how to treat us, but they will show us who they really are. When they do, and we realize that we cannot set boundaries they will respect, we have to cut them loose. You can only give so many chances until you start giving them a bit of yourself and they start chipping away at your boundaries. Even if you believe you can change them and it seems like you are, it's important to remember, that most of the time people don't change, even if you believe that sounds pessimistic.