Dear Past Me,

Dear Past Me,

Thank you. Thank you for making me who I am today. Sure, I could be better, but who couldn't be? You are the reason that I am who I am though. You are the reason, that even though I have my flaws, I know my worth. Every long, restless night I spent tossing and turning, got me here. You got me to a place where I can live my life and live it well.

While your hardships got me here, I am also very sorry you had to go through those tough times. I am sorry that for even a second, you doubted whether you mattered or not. I am sorry that my success came at your expense. But, I hope I am making you proud as I turn your scars into beautiful wings made of gold. I hope that as you look at me, you smile because I turned out to be who you never thought I could be. You were always my worst critic. You filled my head with lies and told me that I was an outcast and I was hopeless. I knew you never meant any of it, but it affected me. It affected you too. So, instead of letting your eyes fill with tears, you hid them around frames of black eyeliner. You shut people out. Sometimes I think you shut me out. I am sorry you felt isolated and I am sorry you felt out of place. But, look. Do you see how around every turn your family loved you? How God loved you? You didn't see it but, I see it now. I see how worried your parents were and how your sister longed to be let in. I see how God's heart shattered each time you debated on giving up on your life. I see now, how much you mattered to the people around you even though you only saw the four who didn't stay. It wasn't your fault though. They didn't leave because of you. You cannot beat yourself up for what happened. But, you cannot hold anger against them either. Forgive and forget. Learn to live in your sadness for, but also learn to overcome it. That last part is the most important. You learned to overcome your sadness. At times, I'm still learning to get up and take that first step towards healing. It's hard to do, but it's worth it. It was worth it.

Thank you.

With love and sincerity,

Yours truly,

Macy McFerren