God of Answered Prayers

Patience is a virtue that I have never had. I have wanted things on my time and only my time. When it comes to prayer, I expect God to answer on my timeline which is just foolish. Recently, God has answered a really big prayer of mine, something that had been really breaking me and I'd love to share that testimony with you in hopes if inspiring you in your own lives.

When I first moved to Alabama, I thought I had surrendered everything to God. I mean I picked up and moved across the east coast for a retail job... I left family, friends, and familiarity. What else did I have to give? Silly me. I should've realized that God is NEVER done working on us and as October approached, I saw that. I went from working in a people-populated store close to my friends to a lonesome corner store that was slower than molasses on a winter's day. (yeehaw). My mental health took a fast plummet. Not only did I feel alone at work, I was stuck in my head dealing with a few mental issues (that honestly I put on myself). I felt as though I had no purpose in life. When I spoke with my boss, I was told to basically suck it up. I felt truly hopeless and stuck. During this time, I picked up a part time job at a pottery studio. I worked 1-2 times a week for about 3 hours at a time. It really did become the highlight of my week. I asked for more hours, but she couldn't provide them. In a desperate attempt to run away from the sadness I felt at my current job, I began the job search.

For 3 months, I tried to find a replacement for the leather store. As the weeks progressed, my disdain for the company's leadership and my loneliness grew. My mental health was rapidly declining. Then, I went home for Christmas. I felt like I could breath again but I knew I'd still have to come back. I weighed the option of just leaving without a second job lined up during my entire time in Maryland, but I decided to just push through.

When I got back, my friends asked if I was going to our church's 21 Days of Prayer and Fasting. What did I have to lose? I was already miserable and nothing was going to make me happier. I told them yes. I deleted Snapchat to get rid of anything that could distract me from God and set an alarm for 4:30 every morning. The first two days, I prayed for an opportunity to arise where I could work a job I genuinely loved. Nothing. On the 3rd morning, I sat in my seat and cried,

"God I can't do this anymore but if it's what you want, please give me the strength. You are good. You are good."

A characteristic of God that I had been questioning since October.

I dried my eyes, dropped my friend off, went to a meeting, and then went into work. As soon as I entered the dark and quiet building, I called my mom. Immediately I began crying. Through sobbing and angry tears, I expressed my tiredness and frustration towards my job and I just remember yelling through the phone,

"I am done fighting mom. I can't keep doing this anymore."

At the time, I was talking about fighting my bosses, but as I write this, I realize that I was done fighting God.

I'd spent the past few months telling God what I wanted and what my plan looked like. I hadn't even taken the time to ask God what He wanted for my life. I spent months questioning the goodness of God and doubting His character. I'd forgotten that my circumstances do not determine who God is. He never changes.

About 4 hours after I broke down, I got a text. My boss at my part time pottery job asked if I wanted 20 hours in addition to what I was already working. It wasn't supposed to be until September that more hours were supposed to open up. This was the one job that I really really wanted to make full-time as well. For the third time that day, I began crying again. I quickly texted her back to accept the extra hours. No other job I had applied for was working and I was feeling so hopeless. The text from her felt like a huge light at the end of the tunnel and the biggest answered prayer I'd had in a while.

God didn't answer my prayers as a reward for finally hitting rock bottom or finally telling Him that I'd submit to His will. As I surrendered, my heart was in the position He was hoping for the entire time. God wasn't asking me to hit rock bottom or want His will over mine; He just wanted my surrender. A lot of the time, we pray the words we think God wants to hear. We craft fluffy prayers full of eloquent speech and church lingo. At the end of the day, God will take us broken and sobbing at rock bottom and love us all the same. I truly believe He'd rather us come to Him unguarded and fully broken than trying to hold ourselves together.

Pottery has a beautiful way of reminding me of God's love for us and our relationship to Him. He forms us and crafts us. He adorns us with a beauty unique to just us. We are put through fires and trials that will either make us stronger or break us in the process. But like any good potter, our Master Potter knows how to fix us. With gold leaf, He glues us back together to be more beautiful and stronger than before. It takes time, like any process. But because we are art and we are made for beauty, we will take time to be fully formed. If you have ever created anything from scratch, you understand the pride you have for your creation as well as the love for it. God's is that but so so much more.

The process of an answered prayer isn't always going to be easy nor will it always be pretty, but it's important to remain steadfast in the Lord. It's important to keep your eyes fixed on His goodness and His love for us above all else. If you are struggling with unanswered prayers or doubting God's goodness I want to leave you with this verse.

Psalm 23:6 (MSG)

Your beauty and love chase after me

    every day of my life.

I’m back home in the house of God

    for the rest of my life.

Every day God is chasing us and pursuing us. All we have to do is stop and surrender then we will be back home with Him.

This is part of my Senior Studio Capstone. Broken vases made whole again...