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God Must Be Punishing Me

  • Writer: Macy McFerren
    Macy McFerren
  • Oct 31, 2023
  • 4 min read

I am writing this blog post because I feel incredibly lost. I am wandering through dark confusion.


Just three weeks ago, I was incredibly happy and joy-filled. Everything felt as though it was going according to my plan. And as we well know, in those highlands, we can easily lose sight of God and His plan. That's what happened to me and I saw myself falling back into habits I had thought I kicked in college. However, I was extremely happy, habits and all, until it all fell apart.


Now I am left believing,


"This must be God punishing me."


I strayed, wandered, and began finding my happiness in worldly pleasures. The only explanation for this sudden downfall could be God punishing me for taking my eyes off of Him. I've prayed, asking God why. I've talked to mom and tried to come up with a different conclusion but I just can't. Growing up, I always heard that God will bring us back to Him when we have wandered too far but this doesn't feel like being drawn near to God. It feels like a punch to the gut type of punishment. It feels like God is taking away the happiness I found so He can have me back. If I am being honest, I am a bit angry at Him. I don't understand why He's allowing me to feel this pain. I'm sick of lesson after lesson from Him. I'm ready to just give up.


Fun fact that isn't actually fun...

Every time I begin seeing a guy, I refuse to pray about the relationship because I am scared God will take him away from me. Sure enough, every time I start praying, he's gone within a day or two... I cannot count how many times this has happened to me! All I know is that it's far too many times.


Now back on track.


My mom keeps telling me He's protecting me from something and preparing me for something greater. To me, it feels like a load of bs. I feel like I'm living the world's cruelest prank. Just as things get good in my life, it seems to always be taken away. Maybe pure happiness isn't in the cards for me? I know I can't be the only person feeling this and I want this blog post to be filled with hope but I'm not sure I can muster that up right now. After speaking with my sister and my best friend though, I feel like we're all being put through the wringer right now. We're down and life just keeps kicking us hard. It's all too easy for me to sit there and blame God for the hurt I am experiencing. My best friend said something that moved me in the best way possible. When she and I were commiserating about our crappy days, she said "I just want to be physically held by Jesus". In the midst of the struggle and the hurt, I forgot God is a loving Father. I forgot God is a God of forgiveness and mercy. Being a Christian and keeping our eyes set on God has never meant and will never mean a life free of pain and disappointments. It does mean God will use all for good. It also means God is still with us even in the valleys of life. God's spirit always rests with us and is always surrounding us and filling us with love and the strength we need to carry on.


God has you where He wants you. We don't know His timing because it's not ours to know. We can't have all the answers, but God does promise to use everything in our life for His purpose. The more I repeat this, the more hope I begin to find and the more I see that light at the end of the tunnel. Most days it's hard for me to speak this and even harder to truly believe it. But it's important to at least try. Please understand that I am not saying you'll be happy all the time when you believe this because you won't. We were created to feel so it's important that we do. However, I am saying that there will be a hope and peace in your mind that really make no sense. The chaos will quiet and the storm will calm, even if just for a second. God will provide rest.


I understand this is hard to believe when you feel like God is punishing you. Even as I write these truths, I feel like I'm just regurgitating pretty church words that won't fix anything. However, I know that I believe and serve a good God. I know He's looking out for me and has my best interest at heart. If that is all I have, then that should more than enough to keep me pushing through the difficult times when I feel all alone.



I'm not typically a huge Hillsong fan, but this song has been my source of hope for the past 7 months. I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me.






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