The Cowboy Way

I am a control freak and I am a planner.

I will be the first to tell you that most times it is my way or the highway. While I am not proud of this, I also haven't tried to change it.

Recently, I have been having boy AND work issues. I won't go into detail, but I have found myself in this weird grey area where this boy's intentions haven't been made known and work took a massive turn for the worse. I have spent HOURS talking about it, thinking about it, and trying to figure it out. I want to know where I stand in this boy's eyes and where I should place him in mine. There is no rush, he's been away and will be for a few more weeks, but I need to know so I can plan. My mom has told me several times I don't need to know but there's always a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I do. In addition to that, I've spent a lot of time worrying about this work issue and stressing about the problem even though I know it'll take time to fix and I need to just be patient.

In perfect timing, I was listening to a song on my drive back from North Carolina that seemed to click everything into place perfectly. It is called Little More Cowboy by Erin Kinsey. While it is a sad breakup song, she said something that seemed to resonate with me.

"Tonight I wish I had a little more cowboy

A little more gone with wind, it is what it is"

Now, if you know me, you know I love anything Western, but I especially love me a cowboy. I love their clothing, their way of life, their values, and their attitudes. If I'm being honest, it's something I strive for which is probably why those lyrics hit me. When I think of a cowboy, I picture a strong man which is a huge reason "gone with the wind" made me stop and think. I pride myself on being strong (both physically and mentally) and too often, I equate strong with strong-willed. I have decided that a way that I can show my strength is by being one step ahead and always getting my way. What I've come to realize over these past few days is that that is less of a sign of strength and more of a sign of fear. If I am being totally transparent, I fear that if things don't turn out how I planned or how I want, the outcome will be worse and I will be unhappy. I fear that others are out to hurt me and don't actually want what's best for me. I fear that I am truly the only one who has my back. It's because of this that I have become a self-proclaimed control freak and avid planner. If I can control and plan my life out, then nothing will go wrong. Until it does. Then I am left cursing at the world in a panic. I am sick of it. I am tired.

So I am trying the Cowboy Way.

Go with the flow.

It is what it is.

My dad likes to remind me that I can't control my situation, I can only control my response. I hate that he's right most days. My sister also likes to remind me that I need to just let people be. I can't overanalyze and try to predict. And my mom likes to remind me that ultimately God is in control. I have a whole arsenal full of wisdom yet I so often choose to ignore it. It's about time I stop ignoring it and start practicing it. My worrying and planning aren't going to change an outcome God planned long before I was even alive. If I truly believe that He is a good God and He is in charge, this should bring me more peace than any planning on my end possibly could! The best part about God's plan is that NOTHING can derail it and NOTHING can come as a surprise to Him. There is absolutely nothing we can do that is going to shock God. He knows us. He knows the desires of our hearts.

Psalm 37:4 reminds us that when we rest in the Lord and keep our eyes focused on Him, He will give us the desires of our hearts.

God hears us and He sees our hearts. He's also working all things for good. There have been several instances where I have been able to take a step back and see how God worked. In those moments of fear and stress, it's difficult to see that or feel His peace. These moments are also when it is the most difficult to pass God the reins. We so desperately want to hold on to the little bit of control we have left when everything around us is shaken. Our faith feels gone but faith isn't just a feeling. Faith is a discipline. It's learning to give God total control even when everything feels crazy.

When God has total control, we can be a little more gone with the wind, it is what it is, a little more cowboy.

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In case you're at all curious about the song...

It's been a favorite of mine at the moment :)