"What Am I Doing Wrong?"

These past two weeks, one phrase has been on repeat in my mind.

What am I doing wrong?

This single phrase can be applied to many scenarios, but in my case, it's relationships and dating. My two closest friends here in Alabama both recently found themselves in happy and healthy relationships shortly after connecting with me. While I was and still am very excited for them, a bit of me longs to experience the happiness and joy they gush about all the time. Growing up, I have always wanted to experience the kind of love found in romantic relationships. I was so sure that once I hit high school, I'd find a great boyfriend but I didn't. I had the same mindset in college, but graduated with the same result. Now that I am a week shy of 23 and in the "real world", I sometimes convince myself I am a lost cause.

Now, hear me out.

It isn't a lack of prospects (though honestly, here in Alabama, it may be), it is also me. I will be the first to admit I have an irrational fear of commitment that oftentimes prohibits me from even just going on dates. I know what I want and if the guy asking doesn't seem to fit that, then I immediately write him off. Whether that is healthy or not, I am not sure. All this goes to say, I am not blameless in my own doubts and uncertainties. I could probably be more open-minded and let go of my worries about commitment. However, that will take a heart change and won't be overnight. I both know and accept that.

Yet, I still wonder what I am doing wrong. Why has the right guy shown up for two of my good friends, but not me? I know my mom and best friend would say to trust God's timing or that He's got the perfect guy for me but none of that helps with the desires to love and be loved. In fact, it actually angers me. It's like those that are happily in relationships all the sudden forget the feeling of desperation that goes along with being single. They see everything through rose-colored lenses. Even thinking about it gets me all kinds of fired up.

I recently spoke to my mom about this hoping to gain some insight and we came up blank. The best I have is that it is hard to take yourself out of your own situations. When you're single, it's hard to believe you'll ever be in a relationship again. On the flip side, when you're in a relationship, it's hard to remember that doubt.

As for my single friends who are struggling, welcome to life. There isn't much that can be said to help and I get that. One thing I have grown to rely on though is God's timing. His plan for our lives is far better than our plan. We cannot rush anything and we shouldn't try to either. It really all goes back to staying grateful for the simple pleasures and the relationships we already have in life. In the moments I want to be alone because I feel alone, I know to push past that and find myself in the company of good friends. I've come to learn that surrounding yourself with good people when you feel so alone can flip your attitude all around. Another thing I've realized is that romantic relationships will never be as fulfilling as they seem. They will bring added happiness, yes, but they cannot replace good friends. In all honesty, I believe that I'd trade 100 relationships for 1 great friend. Maybe that's just cause I haven't had the greatest luck in the men department, but I do stand by the importance of one or two great friends.

When I catch myself asking myself what I am doing wrong, I reroute my mind to "What am I grateful for?" or "What in my life am I overlooking?". When our mindset shifts from focusing on what we're missing out on to what we already have and are grateful for, our world brightens up so much. I understand that somedays there will be NOTHING we can find and we will have to dig real deep to remain grateful, but those are the days that matter the most. So, next time you find yourself wondering what you're doing wrong, make a list of just 5 things you're grateful for and meditate on that! It sounds cheesy, but I promise you it'll help.

And they keeping asking me where happiness can be found, but I am no longer trying to find happiness I just appreciate where I am and happiness finds me.

-Soyen (@soyenwrites)