Pause.

I have decided to take a quick break from "Advice: Take It or Leave It" just for this week's post. I want to talk about something important, a new lesson I have been struggling to learn since I moved. I wanted to share my heart with you, be vulnerable.

As of late, I have been struggling to see what God's plan is for my life. I have dreams and hopes for my future that don't line up with my life right now. The path to get to where I want to be feels impossible. I don't make enough money to sustain a life I thought I'd have and I feel extremely disconnected from everyone around me and my friends who are far from me. I almost feel trapped here. I've been discontent and unhappy with the life I chose for myself. My job feels unfulfilling and I feel like I've come to a standstill with my relationships here as well as my church life. While I am aware none of this is the case, it doesn't feel that way. I have to constantly remind myself that God has a plan and this is part of it.

Zach Bryan recently released a new album that I have been listening to nonstop. The first track is a poem he wrote that went viral online before it was ever released. Even then, I felt deeply connected to the words he spoke. To be honest, I am still not totally sure why I connect so much to the poem. He says,

"I've ridden in fear, although, I was afraid every single time

I've learned that every waking moment is enough and excess never leads to better things, it only piles and piles atop the things that are already abundantly in front of you like breathing and chasing and slow dancing and love making, fighting and laughing

I am unhinged, unworthy, and distasteful to mostly everyone I meet, however I am loyal to a fault to anyone I find kindness in

I do not and will not fear tomorrow because I feel as though today has been enough."

I want to feel fear, but learn to rest in it and roll with it instead of run from its failure. I want to look at my life, see the small pleasures and desire nothing more than endless nights in my apartment with friends and early sunrise mornings the next day filled with coffee, music, and laughter. I get so caught up in what I don't have and what I want that I don't realize the simple pleasures in my life that bring me immense joy. I don't want to worry about my future. I want to take each day one step at a time. I want to know I have today and if tomorrow doesn't come, then it has been enough for me. This poem is a blueprint for how I want to live my life, with reckless abandon to the things that don't matter, an undying passion for the things that do, and peace in knowing I have had 24 hours to live a life full of simple pleasures and if that's all I get, then I will rest in that.

All this goes to say, I struggle every now and then and I know I probably will for a while. I think about all I am missing. I compare my life now to the life I used to live and the life I see my friends living. Point blank, I am not always happy. Some days I still don't want to get out of bed. I dread the morning and the reset it brings. But, I try to rest in the joy found in God. I am learning patience every day. I am 22. I have so much of my life ahead of me and I know God isn't done with me and His plan is greater than my own. I am relying on God for providing more than I ever have and ever have needed to. It's scary and an anxious thought that is always in the back of my mind, looming and waiting to rear its ugly head. It's clear though, that I am where I am meant to be and if God wants me here, He will provide for me. I know this.

My mom has a tattoo that says "Be Still" and in this season of change and unrest in my heart, it is important I learn to be still and rest in God's plan for my life. There will be moments of discontent. There will be days I wonder if this is actually what God wants for me. However, in those seasons, I must learn to lean on God and trust in the things I have not yet seen.

If you care to listen or are curious, here is the poem I quoted. I highly recommend literally ANYTHING written by him. Lyrical GENIUS.

Side note: I am still finding joy and happiness here. It's not all doom and gloom. I have friends who come over for girls' nights and we laugh and catch up. I go to wine Wednesday every week with my best friend. The gym is a sanctuary where I can see some friends and grow stronger. There are two little girls and their mom who have become like family to me. I am happy and I am okay. There will be highlands and there will be heartache. Unfortunately this is the first time since moving that I have experienced those valleys and heartaches that leave me feeling purposeless and desolate. But, in the wise words of Michael McFerren,

Never out of the fight.