Worth It.

Let me start from the top with this post (and I do mean the very very top). October 16, 2000, that's my birthday. I was born in Atlanta, Georgia to my parents, Michael and Shannon McFerren. The next few years don't matter a ton; I don't remember them at all. So lets fast forward. The year is 2014 and the mood is, "it's not a phase mom". You can picture the black eyeliner and ripped skinny jeans. I looked like a poster child for an emo Tumblr girl. During my entire childhood life, (including that phase), I had been a weekly church attender. I didn't have a relationship with God, but I thought I did. My church was a nondenominational church. It was there that I met my best friend. Outside of church, I had two other really good friends. Those three people each had a piece of my heart. Then, all of a sudden, almost simultaneously, they decided that I just wasn't worth it. My heart wasn't valuable to them anymore. Can you try to imagine what it's like to lose your best friends all at once? It's enough to force you into a cave of depression. That's exactly what it did. For three years I felt nothing. I didn't speak to anyone about my problems and I wasn't able to see God in the midst of it all. It wasn't until three years later when my mom forced me to sit down and talk with her, I felt better and lighter. However, I still struggled with my body image. I remember there was a week that I barely ate anything. I just wanted to feel skinny and pretty. Or maybe, I just wanted to feel messed up. Maybe, I felt that that was all I was worthy of.

I continued looking for my identity and my worth as I transferred schools in my junior year of high school. No longer a punk, I embraced a more nerdy, art aesthetic vibe. I found friends within a Love One Another Group. It was there that my compassionate heart grew and a new found love for people sprung up. One thing led to another, and the quarterback of the football team took an interest in me. I'm still baffled by it, I won't lie. He was a 6'7" beautiful boy. He was my first kiss, but he also boosted my confidence. If I could get the QB, I could get anyone. And I pretty much did. Senior year was mainly defined by three different guys, number 50 on the football team, a tall stoner, and number 12 on the baseball team. Each boy reaffirmed me and made me feel pretty and worthy. Well, until every single "situationship" came crashing down and I was left feeling like garbage. In the midst of all of this, I was severely struggling with anxiety. It wasn't the kind of anxiety that would debilitate me, but rather the anxiety that would cause me to have violent outbreaks. My mom, fed up with my crap, sent me to a therapist. After a few sessions, we came to the conclusion that I had a core belief that was shaping my thoughts. That belief was that I was not good enough. I was not worthy.

As if I wasn't dealing with enough, my worship pastor and I had a falling out. I wasn't agreeing with the way he was running the praise team and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. This wouldn't have been a huge deal, but he and his wife were like my spiritual parents. I looked up to them and found a home in them. I was devastated when he discredited my emotions, and in the process, destroyed our home. Were my emotions not enough?

Maybe by now you can see that there's a common theme in my life story, in my testimony. Worth. That's where I see God. He's been in the core of my soul burning a fire that aches to feel worthy and desires to be enough. I tried to fill that hole with everything in the book (other than liquor and drugs, thankfully). Though it is still hard for me to believe sometimes, I know my worth is found in Christ. Yes, I still struggle with anxiety, but I know that Jesus is my Jehovah Shalom and that he is Peace. God is here to make me feel whole. He wants me to feel worthy and enough and to feel loved. It took me writing all of this out to figure out a common theme but, I figured it out:

Worthy.

Jesus is enough.

and because of that,

I AM ENOUGH.