To Submit and Respect

Stand up for yourself. Speak your mind.

Oftentimes in the Christian culture, women feel as though we are meant to be quiet, docile, and subservient in every situation. I would argue that is not the case. I believe our culture has clouded and distorted the meaning of the words respect, submissiveness, and obedience. We are called to respect others and submit to our husbands and elders yes, but we are also supposed to respect ourselves in the process.

I've been lucky enough to have never been in situations where if I didn't speak up, there'd be a major consequence. Honestly, I never had to truly stand up for myself and my character until the last semester of my college career. Growing up, I was taught to let words roll off my back and for the most part, I am capable of letting go. However, I reached a breaking point where I knew something needed to be said.

The Breaking Point

I have heard all my life that when a boy is rude to me, it is because he has a crush. I hate to say it, but that theory is a load of BS once you get out of grade school. There was a boy in the gym I went to who I had been close with before we went away for Christmas break. When we had gotten back from Christmas vacation, something had changed. I wasn't sure what, but he grew very cold towards me. At first, it was little comments that would get a rise out of me. He'd make fun of my hair, my intelligence, and my character. It was all "in jest" so I felt as though a conversation wasn't needed. He was joking. That's just how we was. For a couple months, this carried on. He pushed me around verbally, calling me names and finding subtle ways to use what I'd told him in private against me. It wasn't until the other guys in the group started noticing and asking me what his jabs were about, that I saw an issue with his behavior towards me.

I reached my breaking point when he started degrading my character to the people we hung out with. I reached my breaking point when I came home crying from the gym because he frustrated me so much. I reached my breaking point when he set the example of how I could be treated to the other guys we were friends with. I reached my breaking point when a few good friends pointed out that his behavior was not okay.

When his jokes started affecting how I viewed myself and how others viewed me, I knew that they weren't jokes anymore. Your breaking point may look similar to mine; it could be more severe or it could be more moderate. At the end of the day, if there is someone or something that is taking a toll on you mentally, it needs to be addressed!

Addressing the Issue

I can't sit here and say I totally hate confrontation. The truth is, I kind of like confrontation. I believe confronting a problem head-on is the best way to handle it. The issue I've always had in the past though, was my temper. I would get so riled up and ready to start throwing punches, that I'd let loose screaming. It never accomplished anything. When I was dealing with this boy, there were so many things I wanted to say to him that would've chipped away at him like he was doing to me. I had the ammo and the power to really hit him where it hurt. I caught my self a few times saying things I wanted to take back. Ultimately at the end of the day, no matter how mad he made me, I still cared about him and I didn't want to upset him like he had upset me. This made confronting him scary. I didn't want to lose our friendship and I didn't want to lose the support system I'd made in the gym because of they were also his friends. However, it was my mental health or my relationship with him. One of them had to give. I chose the latter.

When I confronted him, I was careful of how I chose my words. It's important to choose your words wisely and to make sure there can be no room for a miscommunication or twisting. I spoke to him when I was level-headed and when I was sure of how I was feeling and why. It took me a week sometimes to figure out my feelings and thoughts before I approached him. However, you cannot go into a conversation guns a-blazing and expect it to be productive. Take a step back and breath. I was also incredibly honest with him, not because he deserved my honesty, because he didn't. I was honest because I deserved for my feelings to be heard even if that made me look weak. If the person you are confronting cares about you, then your feelings will matter to them. If they don't seem to care, you have your answer.

The Answer

I want to be able to say that when I confronted this boy, all was well, but that wasn't the case. He and I stopped talking to each other. Our interactions were brief and only when necessary. It fixed the group dynamic, but his and my dynamic never recovered. It showed me what his priorities were. I didn't matter to him quite like I had thought. While it was a tough pill to swallow, it was what I needed to pack my bags and move on. I felt empowered and accomplished because I had shown him that I will fight for me no matter who or what I'm going up against.

Not all confrontations will end like mine. Most probably won't. I have had several moments of confrontation and been confronted by others several times. A lot of my relationships were made stronger and better through those difficult conversations. Those relationships are also the ones that I know are worth my time and worth the struggle of navigating the challenging parts of life.

It can be scary to stand up for yourself. I'm not sure why it is, but I understand the anxiety. However, I have also seen the other side. I see the relief and strength you feel after you've stood up for yourself and your beliefs. I see the strong relationships that can be forged through tough times. I see how worth it it is to push past a bit of discomfort in order to confront what is bothering you. However, just as it is important to speak up, it's also important to listen. Problems aren't solved when everyone is shouting at once. They are solved when both sides listen, not just hear, but listen to each other and are able to reach a compromise. It's so easy to point all your blame on the person you're confronting, but you have to remember that it is rare the other person is the sole problem. My mom always would say, "it takes two to tango". In other words, their action is actually a reaction to your actions. Be more ready to listen than you are to speak.

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

Matthew 5:38-39